"VD Day"

14 February 2003

_sigh_ Another Valentine's day. I was prepared to spend it alone. Again.

It's been a few years since I had any special man in my life at Valentine's day. I broke up with my last boyfriend this past summer. Since autumn the surgery has kept me occupied, and now I have this lovely Frankenstein-like scar across my neck, plus 10 added pounds (down from 15) from not being able to exercise. Dating has not been a priority.

Yeah, I could dress all frumpy for Valentine's Friday, but that would only let the whole office know and make me feel more depressed. Instead I decided to dress like I had a hot date planned. First a short black skirt that normally is reserved for evenings, a strappy pair of black pumps, and a silky red (gotta be red for Valentine's!) stretch party blouse. No, I don't usually dress this way for work, but if you're gonna do it, today's the day. And yes, I'm going to have sweat stains, but what the heck. Oh, there's also my "security blanket" scarf to hide the surgery scar.

I also did my makeup as I would for an evening out. Well, my office mates were very complimentary about my whole look, and it made me feel good. On the elevator I bumped into Kevin, a guy I know from upstairs. He's tall, reasonably handsome, dresses nicely, probably out of reach for me. "Wow, Janet, I hope it's allright if I say you look great today! Big date tonight, huh?"

I was going to fib, but decided to just tell him the truth.

"Oh, no plans, really?" he said and paused, "Well, umm, how about a drink after work?"

"Tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure, why not?"

I almost said "But it's Valentine's day and you see we've never dated before, or even had coffee together or anything, so how could I...". The elevator doors opened at my floor. The pressure was on. "OK, let's do that," I said.

"Great! See you at 5." His words squeezed through the closing doors.

When I got back to my desk, my mind was racing. Wow, an unexpected date, on Valentine's Day too. Well, it's not a "date" date, just a drink. Right? He was looking at my legs. Is my skirt too short? Shit, I'm starting to sweat more. Why would he ask me tonight? What, did he assume I didn't already have a date? Oh, wait, I told him I didn't. Why didn't he have a date all lined up? Does he know I sweat? A lot? Why did I have to wear this blouse? Why am I getting so excited? On and on...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm immature, or just naive, or too innocent or something. I mean this is the same kind of stuff that ran through my head when I was 15. Why am I still thinking it now?

Around 4:45 I headed for the bathroom to check my makeup and underarms. My pits had annointed my blouse rather well, with dark wedges of sweat plainly visible front and back, even with my arms at my sides. _sigh_ Well, this is part of who I am and he'll just have to accept me as is. Back at my desk I fidgeted trying to find something to keep me occupied until 5 pm finally arrived.

Kevin knows where my desk is, right? I paced around for 10 minutes, stopped at our secretary's desk, found Kevin's office phone number, called and got his voice mail. At 5:15 I grabbed my purse and coat and headed up to his floor; I wasn't even sure where his desk was. It was very quiet even for a Friday, but I found someone. "Hi, where does Kevin work?"

I went to his desk, but he wasn't there. No notes left either. My excitement began to waver and I started to get this sinking feeling. I went back to my desk. Nothing. No one had seen him. I went back upstairs. Someone else told me "I think he left. He sort of rushed out of here." I went down to the lobby. It was now 5:30. No Kevin anywhere to be found. My heart sank.

_sigh_ I got in my car, drove home in silence, sat down, and cried.

For prior stories, see the archives.